Today, I was scrolling through my photos and I stopped here…
I thought to myself, remember
this?
The answer, if I’m being completely honest, is not really. As I watch Brayden run
around making tractor sounds and playing with his new toy truck, it’s hard to
fathom that baby is this baby. I watched it happen with my
own two eyes, and yet I still can’t believe it. I know that parents have these thoughts
when their children start kindergarten, graduate high school, or get married.
But to be in such disbelief about my baby growing up when he’s only 16-months
old is a bit surprising. I can see why it would be hard to remember your child
as a newborn when he’s standing on a podium receiving a diploma 18-years later.
But how could I have forgotten so many little moments like these already? After
less than a year-and-a-half, I should be able to look at that picture and feel
warmth on my chest in the place he was snuggled. But I can’t. It is such a
distant memory that I can barely believe it happened at all. Maybe I was really
THAT tired. Or perhaps, from a parental perspective, the stages of early childhood
are just too short for the monumental changes that take place. It seems that, just when I figure things
out, Brayden undergoes some fundamental change. It is a continuous learning
process where my own adaptation is just barely on pace with his growth and
development. Routines evolve before they are even established so that the
details quickly blend together. It’s a phenomenon that I will soon be
experiencing all over again.
The very idea of having another little love in my life
astounds me. I suppose I thought that reflecting on Brayden’s first months
would make what lies ahead with Baby 2 more tangible. That seeing him as an
infant would remind me of what I have to expect, to look forward to. That maybe
it could prepare me in some way. I
mean it was only just yesterday. Wasn’t it? Apparently not. In baby days, it
was an eternity ago. Basically, just because I already have one baby doesn’t
mean I’m not going to feel anxious about having another.
Needless to say, looking at pictures of Brayden’s newbornhood didn’t
have the effect I was looking for. It didn’t leave me thinking “Oh, I
remember that. No worries about number two. It’ll be like riding a bike”. It didn't prepare me for having a new baby, especially when I have another slightly older one running around, threatening chaos at every turn.
Though my picture perusal process didn’t necessarily inspire the comforting feelings of
familiarity that I expected, it served one purpose other than to remind me of Brayden's adorableness: It offered a compelling reminder of how fast time
goes. And maybe that’s the only preparation I need: The understanding that in
two months, I will be holding a new baby. A baby that, 16-months later, I will
hardly believe existed. Whose older brother will seem another light-year away
from than the tractor-bearing little man he is now. So while I am battling
through exhaustion and the trials that come along with being a mother, I don’t
have to feel guilty if I’m not “enjoying every little moment”. (Because, let’s
face it, some mommy moments just aren’t enjoyable.) I can, however embrace
the fact that those moments of frustration or self-doubt will dissipate. Very
quickly. Together with the love and cuddles, they blend into nothing more than
a strong sense that something wonderful happened. And I am so excited that it will
be happening all over again.
So glad to have you as my role model!
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